things to wallow in

January 19, 2009 at 10:46 pm | Posted in adoption process, family | 3 Comments
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Some days this job is harder than I signed up for.    Really.   It’s exhausting.   It requires insight and patience and self-control beyond what I have developed.    I can get a little lost in all the ‘adjustment’ we’re going through.     So, on occasion I’ve gone so far as to wallow in self-pity.    (It’s ugly, trust me, but true.)

But tonight there’s a whole new thing that I’m dwelling on.

Today was hard.     Philip has a very hard time with disappointment, so if Zachary takes his toy it causes an emotional meltdown.    If he is asked to finish his banana and he’s full, he wails.     If I close the bathroom door for ninety seconds of privacy, he is devastated.     Most of my day is spent dealing with this singular issue.   Comforting him and helping him better understand when tears are appropriate vs. when words are appropriate is all-consuming.    By dinner tonight, I was  practically wailing and definitely wallowing!

But a couple of things happened this evening that have blown some wind into my sails.

At dinner, Tague said, ‘Let’s pray’.   But before he could start, Philip put his little hands together and surprised us all by leading the prayer!    It was completely unsolicited and in the “baby home” style where the pray-er prays a line and everyone else repeats that line in unison.

There’s was a short intro, followed by the prayer, going like this:

Philip:   “Hands together”    Family repeats: “Hands Together”
Philip:  “Eyes closed”      Family repeats:  “Eyes Closed”
Philip:   “Dear Jesus……”    Family repeats:    “Dear Jesus……”
Philip:   “Thank you for our food”…… Family repeats:   “Thank you for our food”……..
Philip:   “Thank you for our family”…….Family repeats:   “Thank you for our family”……
Philip:    “Thank you for our house”…….Family repeats:    ‘Thank you for our house”…..
Philip:    “Amen”      Family repeats: “Amen”

We were just blown away.   We’d just witnessed a really beautiful moment where our cautious and shy son felt confident and comfortable in the family and led us all in his own little prayer.

And, if that weren’t enough……..

Later, Philip was running in circles and, as happens when you’re dizzy, he collided with the wall.    His head bounced off the wall and he started screaming and crying in pain.   Only this time – instead of the typical wailing and flailing, tears were squirting out his eyes and he was yelling   “Mommy!!!…….Mommy!!!!!!    Mommy!!!!!!”       This is a huge deal because he was calling for me to comfort to his pain.      He trusted me with his hurt.   His little arms were stretched out for me to hold him.       This never seemed like a big deal when I was parenting his older siblings.     But that’s because they had known me before they knew how to breathe.    My voice had always been familiar and safe.   My arms felt natural around them in good times and in bad.    But Philip has only known my voice and my arms for a few weeks of his little life.    But somehow – even though I’m tired and there are some days that I don’t do this so well, Philip believes that my voice and my arms are safe and he cried out for me tonight.   It only lasted less than a minute and then he was off and playing again…. but, I’m wallowing…. or maybe I’ll call it ‘basking’ … some really good stuff tonight!


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